Absolution
by Every Shade of Blue
Summary: When Bill Adama finally finds his son on Kobol, he learns that it will take more effort than he had ever thought to repair their damaged relationship. [As usual with my BSG stories, Adama family angst followed by father/son fluff.]


A/N: I wrote this one a while ago and forgot about it until I found it on my computer today. I don't remember what my original plan for it was, but it seemed pretty complete, so I figured I might as well post it.

* * *

**Absolution**

It's the look on his face when you finally find him that throws you. You know that look. You've gotten it many times – just not from him. It's the look that was always on his mother's face when she knew that _you_ knew she'd been drinking too much. Thing was, though, when it was on her face, it was so easy for you to ignore. You'd been away for so long, you'd missed her so much, you didn't want to think about the drinking. She wouldn't do it while you were home anyway, so it wasn't really your problem, was it? Well, that was a mistake, and not your first, either. Because maybe it wasn't your problem, but it _was_ your sons'. And now that same look was there on Lee's face, that same guilt, that same fear that this time you would decide he just wasn't worth it anymore.

It's that look that throws you – and that causes you to hesitate just a moment too long.

You'd been so worried about Lee. At first you were angry – you hadn't exactly dealt with his mutiny very well, after all – but once you realized that he was down there on Kobol, your anger had quickly vanished, replaced with fear, the fear that he might not make it back. So you had gone after him, leading a small force down to the planet's surface yourself under the guise of convincing the president to reunite the fleet. The truth, though, was that you needed to be the one to find Lee, to make sure he was all right, to bring him home.

And now here he is, standing right in front of you with _that damned look _on his face, and it surprises you so much you forget what you were going to say. And in that moment, before you can remember or think of something else, his expression changes, and for a split second you can see the crushing disappointment written on his face before his mask snaps back into place, and suddenly he's all business.

He salutes crisply, staring past you. "Commander Adama, sir!"

That's not how this was supposed to go. You'd had it all planned, everything you were going to say to him. You were going to tell him that he was forgiven, that he was still your CAG. And now you'd gone and missed your chance. So you do the only thing it seems like you _can_ do: you return the salute.

"Captain Adama," you acknowledge formally. "Status report."

Still looking past you rather than at you, he responds quickly, professionally. "Eight men present and accounted for, sir: the president, Lieutenant Thrace, Lieutenant Agathon, myself, Tom Zerek, and – and three others. We lost two, the priestess Elosha and a marine."

As sobering as any loss of life is, you can't help but be relieved that they've _only_ lost two. To be honest, you'd expected much worse. "Very well, Captain. I'll be taking command of the mission from here."

"Yes, sir." He salutes again, and you reluctantly return it, allowing him to move away. You've missed your chance for now anyway. All you can do is hope for another one later on.

As it turns out, there never is another chance. For the rest of the mission, Lee seems determined to maintain nothing but the strictest professionalism as far as you're concerned, and it worries you. He's been formal toward you when the situation has demanded it, but never like this. And so, upon the mission's successful conclusion and your return to Galactica, you still haven't had an opportunity to talk to your son in any capacity other than Captain and Commander. You had hoped that perhaps, once you landed back on the ship, you would be able to excuse yourself and ask him to speak privately in your quarters, thinking that he might be more willing to act like a son rather than a CAG once the two of you were alone. But as soon as the Raptor door opens, you know it's not meant to be, because Saul Tigh is there waiting for you, and you can see plain as day that he's itching to hand your command back to you as soon as possible. As you walk away with him, only half listening to what he's saying as you both make your way to CIC, you look back once, hoping to catch Lee's eye, to somehow give him a sign of some sort that you want to talk to him. But when you see him, he's already walking away, his uncharacteristically slumped shoulders giving the impression that he's carrying a terribly heavy weight.

* * *

"_Captain Adama to the Commander's quarters. Pass the message: Captain Adama to the Commander's quarters."_

As soon as you hear the announcement, you can't help but count the minutes as you wait for the order to be obeyed. You have to wonder how long it will take. Part of you worries that he might ignore it – but part of you knows that the officer in him wouldn't dare, and you feel a strong twinge of guilt. You didn't want to _force_ him to talk to you, and yet that's exactly what you're doing. And sure enough, just a minute later, there's a small knock at the door. You know it's him, but it doesn't sound like him. It sounds more like the way he'd knock on the door of your study when he was a little boy, knowing he was about to be disciplined.

"Enter."

The hatch opens, and he hesitantly steps inside, once again refusing to look at you. "You wanted to see me, sir?"

You sigh quietly. "I did. But I don't want to see Captain Adama. I want to see Lee Adama."

He looks confused.

"I wanted to talk to you as my son, Lee, not as my CAG. You can drop the formality."

He doesn't answer. Is that his solution now that you've told him he doesn't have to be formal? Is he not going to talk at all?

"Don't you have anything to say, Lee?" you ask quietly. This silence worries you.

The confliction is plain in his eyes. There is obviously something that he very much wants to say, but whether or not he actually will remains to be seen. You decide to continue and hopefully give him more time to make up his mind.

"Look, Lee… I just want you to know that you've forgiven, all right? For everything. You're still my CAG, so you're not being punished, obviously. You can stop acting like you are."

There's a different look in his eyes now, one you can't quite identify.

"I'm _forgiven_ and I'm still the CAG?" he repeats quietly. "That's it?"

Now you're the one who's confused. "What do you want, Lee?"

"I thought you wanted to talk to me as your son instead of as your CAG."

"I thought that was what we were doing."

He laughs incredulously. "Then why is the only thing you're saying that I'm still your CAG?"

"I also said – "

"That I'm forgiven?" He's starting to sound almost angry. "I don't want to hear that I'm _forgiven_. I didn't ask to be _forgiven_. What I did was never about you and me, it was about trying to do what I thought was right! And I don't want to be told that I'm still your CAG, I want to be told that I'm still your _son!_" His voice cracks, and you realize that you're hearing more emotion than he's ever expressed around you before.

"Lee…" You want to tell him that of course he's still your son, he's always your son, but he doesn't give you the chance.

"My whole life, that's all I've ever been to you! I'm not your son, I'm your damned _legacy_, another Adama to be a war hero and carry on the family name! But you never asked me if I _wanted _that, Dad. You never asked me anything. You just made me who _you_ wanted me to be! Some days, it feels like that's all I am. I can't even remember what I used to dream of being one day. I'm nothing but _Captain Adama. _Nothing but _Apollo._ Even _you_ call me Apollo sometimes when I'm not even on duty, because that's all I am to you! I'm your good little soldier. And gods forbid I should ever screw up, or make a decision to do something that you just don't like, because then you humiliate me in front of the entire CIC! Kara steals the Raider and runs off to Caprica because the president asked her to, and you welcome her back with open arms. I try to stop your damned military coup from turning into a bloodbath, and you act like you hate me!"

You've never seen Lee so upset. And then you realize with a chill that that's because you _did_ raise him to be a good little soldier. And soldiers don't cry, don't show emotion. They hide it. So that's what he's always done, and now it's too much for him. You've forced so much on him, and he's taken it all without a word – but now you've pushed him past his breaking point. And he's not done yet.

"Well you know what? I'm _sorry_. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm not the son you wanted. I'm sorry that I lived and Zak didn't. Maybe I should have died instead, because then he could have married Kara, and you'd still have your favorite son and she'd be your daughter and maybe then you'd be happy!"

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, you can see something inside of him break, and that's when you know the truth: he's worried about this for years. He's always thought you loved Zak and even Kara more than him. He's always thought you wished he had died and Zak had lived. And now he's finally said it, finally put it out in the open, and he looks downright terrified, because you haven't said anything yet, haven't told him that it's not true. He looks more vulnerable than you've ever seen him, tears filling those bright blue eyes, his arms folded tightly across his chest as he tries to stop himself from shaking.

Gods, he really _believes_ it.

"Sit down, Lee." You sit on the couch and wait for him to sit next to you. You don't miss the pain on his face. He must think you're about to tell him that he's right. Instead of saying anything, though, you do something completely unexpected: you wrap your arms around him and pull him toward you, holding him tightly. He hesitates for a second, and then grips the front of your jacket, pressing his face against the rough fabric. You can hear him sniffling quietly, his shoulders trembling as he cries.

"I'm so sorry, Lee," you whisper roughly, almost surprised at the emotion you hear in your own voice. "I know I was never much of a father. I know I've expected too much of you, and I know I've treated you differently because you're my son. But I promise you, I never loved your brother more than I loved you. He wasn't my _favorite_. And as much as I wish I could have him back, I would _never_ trade you for him." You can feel him calming as you stroke his hair, something that always worked when he was little. You're rather surprised that it still works. But then again, maybe it's not so surprising. Maybe some small part of him never really grew up, because you tried to force him to grow up too fast. You never gave him a chance to be a child. So maybe it's not too late. Maybe he needs you more than you think, more than he'll admit.

"I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world, Lee. You're my son, and I love you." _And if you'll give me a second chance_, you think as you hold him a little tighter, _I'll be the father I never was before. I'll be the father I always should have been. I won't let you down again. I promise._


End file.
